The Polyamory Breakup Book by Kathy Labriola

Author:Kathy Labriola
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Thorntree Press
Published: 2019-09-02T19:26:47+00:00

The Myth of Spontaneous Romance

Even more challenging than a disorganized partner is one who refuses to plan and schedule in advance and insists on being spontaneous. For some reason, men seem more likely than women to believe that they can succeed at polyamory without careful and consistent advance planning.

Forrest had three girlfriends, and he liked to make dates with each one of them on the spur of the moment. All three women were unhappy with this system, as it created chaos and uncertainty in their lives and made it difficult for them to make other plans. In order to be available for a date, they had to keep every evening and night open for him just in case he wanted a date. When they complained that this wasn’t fair, he told them they needed to “go with the flow,” and that making plans in advance was “too rigid” and “killed the experience,” and that he couldn’t predict a week in advance who he would “naturally feel like being with” on a given night. The unfortunate result was that each of them spent many nights alone, wishing they had made other plans. To make matters worse, some weeks he would spend three or four nights a week with one partner and ignore the other two, and the next week another partner might be “favored with his presence” for several nights in a row, then just as suddenly abandoned. Elaine broke up with him after three months, as she was sick of “being in suspended animation every day, wondering when I would ever see him.” Rosheda had another boyfriend who was a lot more reliable, who scheduled regular dates with her every Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday nights. Rosheda told Forrest to call her only if he wanted a date on one of the remaining nights, and “don’t even think about calling me on the nights I have a date with Donnie.” Jillea tried to compromise by asking Forrest to call her at least two days before dates, so she could at least make plans a day or two in advance. However, Forrest couldn’t even seem to plan even a few hours in advance, so Jillea ended the relationship after about six months.

Antoine ran his own business managing hip-­hop musicians, and told both of his lovers that he needed flexibility because his work required that he be very available to book shows and close deals. As a result, he never made dates, but instead would call either partner at 9 or 10 PM and say, “Hi honey! Can I come over?” That worked fine for Tanisha, as she had two kids, and she wasn’t really available until after getting the kids to bed, washing the dinner dishes, and doing a load of laundry. However, Eve said, “I feel like I’m just a booty call,” because Antoine only came over late at night instead of socializing and going out together. She “tried to be laid-­back about it,” making plans with friends for dinner or

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